Is Real Human Connection Slipping Through Our Fingers?

By Marni Hill

Forgive me if this is a scattered read. This article is a true reflection of my deliberating opinion: Is true human connection getting rarer as I get older?

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I am lucky to have such wonderful people in my life, people I love so deeply. But this doesn’t take away from what I seem to be observing around me: a slight case of a ‘nonchalance epidemic.’ 

Stay with me…

Not caring about anything. Not caring too much, so others catch on. Or fighting your deepest desire to care. It’s a see-saw a lot of people are on. I’d be lying if I said I’d never done this myself, too.

It makes sense. Coveting your emotions and protecting your vulnerability isn’t new. It’s not a bad idea, considering not everyone in the world has your best interests at heart. But this sense of nonchalance is spreading further and further. It seems like it’s everywhere.

Take texting. You time your replies so you don’t seem too fast: that’s ‘keen.’ But not too long, or you come across rude, disinterested. On a date, you have to time it right: not too early (ideally, arrive after them). There’s always the ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ time to do something. To say something. To take the next step.

Human nature is starting to feel calculated. Spontaneity and creativity? They’ve been put on the back burner.

It makes me wonder: All this thinking, simply to avoid appearing ‘too much.’ 

But when did the art of feeling become so overwhelming? Isn’t feeling everything, no matter how intense or shallow, the whole point?

I fear that if it keeps going in this trajectory, diminishing every emotion to a mediocre level, we all might slowly morph into one singular monotonous entity.

Social media could very well be the culprit. There’s so much focus on our external self that our internal self gets neglected. The way you look, the way your life appears on the surface, it’s so carefully curated to be perfect, aesthetic, of interest to others.

It’s a whole other problem that so much time and effort goes into caring about the way we look. 

Which, by the way, is always the least interesting thing about you.

Through this extensive focus on the outer self, it becomes the most important part of us. You start to use it as the primary interface for connecting with the world and with others. It makes sense: If you avoid who you are deep down, how can you know yourself enough to show this to others?

In a deeper sense, it’s easier to embed your sense of identity within your external self. 

That’s something you can control. Human emotion and character? They can be messy and uncomfortable. If you avoid that and keep up appearances, life is smooth sailing.

It seems to come down to a fundamental sense of control. 

And so I circle back: When you’re nonchalant—when nothing can affect you ‘too much’, you stay in this comfortable middle ground.

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Keeping on the theme of the external self….let’s pivot to fashion. Fashion has nuance: Although it’s viewed externally, it’s anchored in the internal. It’s a way of externally expressing who you truly are deep down without having to be vulnerable and decipher this yourself. Your clothes and styles do all the talking for you.

Think about it: When you hop between different outfits, afraid to wear the wrong thing and wanting to appear your best, this is because deep down you know it’s an outward expression of yourself. Sometimes, when you don’t want to stand out, it’s easy to wear the quieter, more laid-back outfit. Because you feel less noisy. More able to ‘blend in.’

Okay, back to all things emotions. It could just be: Are we all simply afraid? The world is wonderful, but it is also filled with fear, hatred, loss. Every day, there’s something new to wince about. It seems a plausible coping mechanism, to reduce the ability to feel, in order to protect ourselves from the intensity of the world around us. On the other hand, constant exposure to this reduces our sensitivity to intensity. Making everything feel a blurry shade of grey.

I apologise if this all seems to be quite a negative view on human connection. And I am fully of the position that this is not the full picture, as I am frequently exposed to the love and power of community that does shape everyday life. Humans have evolved behavioral mechanisms of learning through observation of others. Neurologically, we have mirror neurons making us capable of reflecting other people’s behavior and emotion: the basis of empathy. 

We are meant to feel what others feel.

But in order to do so, we must let each other in.

It’s a beautiful thing to be able to let yourself feel everything. And I think it’s important for us to try, little by little, to let ourselves do that. Of course, this is hard and not always pleasant. But to feel the lows is to feel the highs.

As they say, you only live once. So use that time to explore every emotion and feel every experience in such an authentic manner that you begin to live your life exactly how you know you want to. 

Because really, that’s what it’s all about.