A Desi Girl’s Guide to Being Glared at by Uncles…and Secretly Admired by Aunties.

Imagine you’re at a fashion show. Picture your outfit (the thought you put into it, the colours, the matching jewellery etc.). Got it? Okay, now imagine Miranda Priestley is glaring at you like she thinks you don’t understand the history of the colour cerulean.

Meryl Streep as Miranda Priestly in The Devil Wears Prada.

And there you have it, the feeling of being glared at by Desi elders, specifically uncles, marked with disappointment and a deep unease. The aunties, though, have a glimmer of pride in their eyes, because you’re doing what they never got a chance to. Still, you learn to get used to it; even better, after a while, you learn to enjoy it. So, here’s a guide on how to get those glares and dismantle patriarchy’s microcosm: the family.

I would, however, like to preface my list by clarifying a common opinion: Desi societies are not inherently regressive or patriarchal. Like any society, patriarchy is a part of them, and the overlap of patriarchy with colonialism has, unfortunately, left a unique imprint. Secondly, this is not to malign uncles and victimise aunties. The presence of exceptions isn’t being contested, but the difference in the roots of their patriarchy is being acknowledged: men are patriarchal because it privileges them, women are patriarchal because their fight against it was more alienating than ours and promoting it is now the only form of survival.

With that out of the way, I present some micro-aggressions to combat ones of their own:

1)     Colour your hair/get some piercings: now this one is a personal choice, but it often makes the uncles forget their precolonial ‘culture’ that they strive so hard to bring back, and call you ‘modern’. When they do, you get to tell them that piercings have been part of Desi culture for ages and in fact, they balance your chakras. You don’t have to believe in chakras’ significance because you’ve already discredited their flimsy argument. The aunties, though, are glad to see your youth that is not tied down by being trained to be a homemaker in the near future without being given a choice in the matter. Plus, you have the autonomy to make whatever alterations you want without marriage being a looming prospect.

2)     Speak English just as much as you speak your vernacular language: beware the Anglophone allegations and revel in them when you stump the uncles by switching languages with ease. Uncles, like most nationalists, vehemently reject English while still holding it is a sign of class privilege. This hypocrisy intrinsically ties them up because they don’t know whether to admire you (you are, of course, part of their family) or detest you because you have done something better than them (as a woman no less, cue gasp). Now, I don’t mean to say that English is a better language than the various languages that are spoken in Desi communities; but, when administrative tasks are so often done in English, and when exposure to media (especially jargon-dense material) is determined by proficiency in English, it becomes a necessity. The aunties will bear some pride because chances are, they’ve either insisted on your English education or are recalling the limitations (such as on their independence with regards to finances and travel) they endured not speaking it.

3)     Sit down at the dinner table with the men…before serving them: Uncles have frequently, since childhood, had their every whim catered to, right from the meal being cooked to the way it is being cooked (even though some of them cannot tell the different types of lentils apart). As a result, they also expect to be served while their wives or any woman relative toils away in the kitchen and serves them hot food. When you sit down with them, you rob them of their privilege and remind them of their bias. Your aunties will either join you or ask you to bring back some hot rotis from the table into the kitchen (baby steps are still progress).

*There is an excellent short film on Youtube called ‘Juice’, starring Shefali Shah, that portrays this excellently. And like many of our childhood dreams, the ‘aunty’ calls Credits: IMDb                                                          the shots in this one.

4)     Disagree with them: This one is a bit overarching, but it applies to anything from politics to art. I won’t spend much time on why the uncles hate being disagreed with because it is quite self-explanatory (bruised ego, dismantled self-confidence etc.), but I will point out an observation. As our generation, and often our mothers’ generation, disagree with the men, I’ve noticed grandmothers become more confident in their opinions. They begin to speak up for themselves, they begin to take time off housework to rest, they tell their husbands or sons to wait while they take care of themselves. In my opinion, this is because they have proof that carving your space (though it is a disheartening process) doesn’t lead to catastrophe. So, their emotions and well-being suddenly take up residence in their house as well.

5)     Say the word ‘no’: Finally, to sum up all of my earlier points: say no. I may have missed some other items, but they can all be subsumed under this one. If you don’t want to do something: no. If you don’t agree and are being asked to concede your point: no. If you want to make a choice for yourself and they say no: say no louder than them. Just like the dinner table, aunties will follow your lead, perhaps even if they’re the ones you are saying no to. But our ‘no’ frees theirs, it shakes the power imbalances in the house and gets us (aunties and their daughters) our fair share of independence.

As somebody who has collated these opinions based on experiences (mine and others’), I acknowledge that such actions are exhausting. Not to mention, I am sure many of you already incorporate these items in your lives. So, this is a little PSA from one Desi girl to another: this is not your sole responsibility, take a break from it if you want to. But on the occasions that your ancestral rage makes a resurgence, this list will be here, waiting for you to add to it.