I am not your friend, and that's OK!
The Oxford Dictionary defines a friend as “A person with whom one has developed a close and informal relationship of mutual trust and intimacy." Throughout my life, I have been very lucky to experience this kind of friendship. From childhood, where spending hours together at school would blend into afternoon playdates, into staying one night or maybe two, never growing tired of talking or sitting or playing or being still, together. Into my adulthood, where I now have the immense privilege to know, be known by, live and travel with the most wonderful people. However, I have started to notice the decline of real friendship.
A few months ago, a friend of a friend decided to have a close-knit gathering – near and dear only! Upon receiving an invitation, I was stunned. We were not friends. We would never hang out together voluntarily; we had no texting relationship to speak of (I did not have her number); I couldn’t even tell you her surname. Knowing all this, I could only conclude that it was proximity, an unhealthy dose of politeness, and possibly Jupiter being in retrograde that led to this invitation, and I, always one to err on the side of caution when it comes to my opinions, truly loathed that idea. It felt like an insult - do your true friends know that you slander them by calling everyone this affectionate title?
I am now going to get on my high horse and clip-clop away about the rise of the internet. It is true that with the increase of online culture, the meaning of the term ‘friend’ has changed. This is not unusual; language, like everything, evolves with time, new phrases and meanings emerge and immerse themselves in our lives. It is important to be flexible and open to this change, but it can feel like losing an integral part of human connection. Facebook saw people making ‘friends’ with, potentially, hundreds of strangers. The narrative continues with Instagram, only ‘friends’ has, rather menacingly, been replaced with the term ‘followers’. This popularity contest of who has the most “friends” or biggest following online has severely impacted the weight and meaning behind friendship, leaving the term to be thrown around, as if by blindfolded drunks throwing darts at a moving board, hoping to hit the bullseye of companionship. Connection may be found this way, but, like all great things, when you pan for gold you must first sift through all the silt, sand and deceptively shiny stones. If you believe that every frog you kiss is a prince, you will soon find that amphibian royalty is severely lacking in the eligible bachelor department. Quantity in “friendship” means nothing when you realise you cannot share your burdens and receive comfort or relive your successes and be congratulated with genuine joy. All of this is to say that if we both know that we aren’t friends, who are we pretending for when we play this game of “friendship”?
Perhaps it is because there is really no better term to apply generally to those who are not-friends but whom you also would like to see thrive. If you are currently shaking your fists at the screen demanding that I acknowledge the existence of the word ‘acquaintance’, thank you for being patient; I will do so now. It sucks! Maybe I am being harsh; it is a perfectly fine word but fairly antiquated and carries with it a negative connotation of disinterest.
So, in order to help you out with this wordy dilemma I have created for you, here are a few suggestions to replace acquaintance, and helpful tips on when to use them;
Ally - with a partner in a particularly intense board game
Comrade in arms - with those who face the same invisible foe of academia
Chum - for those who are somewhat akin to a bucket of fish
Sidekick - please use only if you are Batman or similar
While I encourage you to use these terms liberally and with great gusto, I hope you keep ‘friend’ in your back pocket to use sparingly and with great deliberateness. I hope you forget it exists until you strike gold, find a prince or hit the bullseye.
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